About three years ago, I finally decided to accept someone for who and what they are. It was such a relief and I came to the conclusion that acceptance is the biggest gift one can give oneself. No more expecting the person to do the right thing, to act responsibly, to show concern for others etc. They are who they are and that is that. I had some lapses and was once again confronted with the reality of the situation and had to crawl my way back to that place of acceptance.
In the last three weeks, I've gone through the same process and this time with someone much closer to me and someone who I'd held out hope for. Surely this person will understand? I had thought naively for fifty years!!! I knew one can't change people but with this one I really thought I'd have an impact if only I expressed myself clearly, tried to get the person to see my point of view and even beg. But the proverbial brick wall smacked me in the face once again and I've been picking up the pieces ever since. I retreated to my hovel and it's not that I didn't want to face the world, I couldn't. Just doing ordinary things like going shopping became an achievement! I eventually gave up and holed up in my flat. I saw three medical practitioners in one week and the R350 I spent on one who said: 'Stop banging your head against a brick wall and all you can do is to take care of yourself' was well-spent, I suppose.
My flat has been the beneficiary of this expensive advice. I've been painting any piece of furniture I can lay my hands on and am now turning my attention to the garden. Can't wait to get stuck in.
Here is some of what I would have written if I'd done this blog a few weeks ago.
Whoever said no man is an island was lying. Even within one's family it's each man/woman for him/herself and bugger the rest. In the end we are all alone and have to look out for ourselves. That's what I'm doing with the help of some little white pills!